Eternal Lonlieness (rant, sorry)

[Rune Walsh]

Ugh. This world just disgusts me sometimes... The repition and "follow the leader" attitude just suck. This has more to do with just relationships, which is what this is mainly about...

I've found that there are way way too many "followers" in people I've met rather than "leaders". I'm one of the few "leaders" in my school/grade, and it's really sad. Everyone follows someone else's example. I.E.: the other day all the 'wiggers' dressed up all in pink because SOMEONE popular said "Pink is the color of pimps this year". Dude. You're a guy wearing pink, and you're a homophobe. First off, whenever another person like you wears pink, you call them a "fag" and label them as "gay". Now, because one of your own says "Oh, it's ok to wear pink, but only this year" you contradict EVERYTHING you fought about, and follow the leader. PATHETIC! Have a mind of your own!

Keeping that in mind, this theme has followed me throughout my high school career ever since it restarted last year, not only in that, but in relationships. The first trend setter was the first girl I ever fell in love with, Alicia. Now things were WONDERFUL with her, I was set. I had her, could go up and pick her up whenever I wanted, didn't have to deal with her 24/7 cuz it was a long distance relationship, it was great. I had time to myself, and yet I still had her devoted to me, and yes, I spent A LOT of time with her, online, on the phone, trying to keep her happy until the next time I came to get her. Everything seemed PERFECT. I FINALLY had a girl that was close THAT REALLY LOVED ME, had time to myself, I was set! I had everything, I was SO happy! Then it happened. Yeah, it. She started making a new friend in her vocational class. His name was Dan. Now, I didn't mind at all her having really close friends and all, I mean come on, everyone's gotta have good friends. Then her cousin told me she saw her kissing Dan. I asked her about it, and she fessed up, but it was a friendly kiss, so once again, I didn't mind. I'm really leinant(sp?) with my girlfriends and having friends usually, I mean, come on. There's a lot of people I give friendly kisses to. Then it finally happened.

Through Alicia, I met my brother, Gabe. Hehe... brother from another mother, we're both totally different races, but 100% similar. It's like uncanny. Anyway, he called me saying he had bad news... Alicia cheated on me fully. We got her on 3 way and, yeah. Stuff went down, and my heart was torn to peices.

Now the next girl I was with didn't do the same, and we have a good friendship now. She was Vikki. No need to go into that story.

Next I had Sara, a girl from Florida. I'm not going to go into detail, it was just a really unhealthy relationship as I was holding the whole thing together, and NEGLECTOR over there was having all the fun. She cheated on me with a guy named Sean. It ended promptly.

The latest... tore my soul apart, and left it on the road for it to be run over my many 16-wheelers.

Tiffany. I had been with her for over a year. We met on this forum at www.bolt.com and started a Yahoo Group for roleplaying. We RP'd with one another and fell for each other. Now this one, this one's the kicker. Halfway through our relationship Tiffany got a girlfriend. Now, hell, come on, you name me ONE GUY who DOESN'T want a two girl relationship, and I'll either show you a weirdo or a gay man.(no offence there, joking around making a point) And I was perfectly ok with that! It was cool! Hell, I loved it!

Then the next thing happened. "Hun, I need a (censored) buddy". You get the idea. So once again, my masochistic tendancy to put myself in a victimizing situation kicked in again, and I let it happen. David was the new initate to the family. He was nothing but annoying.

Now, this is the first girl whom I actually FLEW to see. My family and I payed $760.50 for the roundtrip ticket and $140 something for the hotel room. I stayed out there for a week. From NJ ALL THE WAY TO COLORADO I went ALL ALONE. BY MYSELF. WITH NO SUPERVISION. WITH NO SECURITY. BY MYSELF. It... it was the most traumatic week of my life.

Before I went I was told "Oh, David won't be here, he's gotta see family." That first night we went to this Itialian restruant for pizza (Dude, nothing compares to NJ pizza). Low and behold I was lied to, who was sitting there waiting for us to come? David.

Now... I know many of you here are in relationships, and maybe married. Now, you all know how much you love your loved one. How do you think it'd feel if you had to lie there, in THEIR bed, while THEY'RE on the floor, with ANOTHER PERSON... Moaning... and... *chokes*

Yeah. I think about that night every day. Luckily enough for me, Steph, Tiff's girlfriend, was in the bed with me, so I had someone to cry on and hold me. If it weren't for her, I'da came home and killed myself, straight out. I admit it. I would have.

But now... Now she's becoming distant even, and isin't even emailing me or getting online. I'm making all the effort and she's just sitting back enjoying my effort. I've taken a more strict policy with "friends" and "other things" with my relationships, but, I'm scared I'm going to lose Steph now, and since I'm pretty much already going to go to school out there, I'm going to wind up being alone... I don't want to be alone... I made the effort to get into a college out there so I could see her, and this college is perfect for what I'm going into... *sigh*

Someone kill me, or something... this pain isin't going to ever go away...

[Little Blue Dragon]

*hugs Illidan* hey you can talk to me

[Rune Walsh]

u.u That's the thing... Talking doesn't help... the only way I'm truely able to express my sadness, and my hatred about this whole thing, the relationships and the follow the leader tendancies, is to just totally go all out and sob all over someone's shoulder... And that barely just scratches the surface of the pain I feel because the social aspect of the planet is going to crap...


:'(There's some days I seriously wish the cancer I survived had killed me so I didn't have to go through all this...

...Today's one of those days.

[KewlMarine32]

How old are you???...

[LadyWinterWolf]

Moved this to General Chat for it's a topic to be taken seriously, and not spammed.

As to advice, nothing wrong with having a good old cry fest. But what you do with yourself afterwards will determine if you're a man, or a little boy. (he's 18 btw)

You can be a man, go on out in the world and live. Or you can be a little boy and keep crying "poor pity me". In the long run, it's your decision, and all anyone can do here is read your rant, but we can't tell you exactly what to do.

Now I know you hate it when I go this blunt route, but seems to me we've had this discussion a few times before, and nothing is changing. If you're on the same route as always, perhaps you're not stepping back after each experience, examining it from afar, and figuring out what you were supposed to learn from it. Hello!!! You read that right, you're supposed to learn from each new experience. Sure, everyone does the "why me?" bit, but once you're done crying over it, look it over and see why it happened.

And that's our lecture for today.

Luv ya Adam, and you know that.

[Rune Walsh]

*shrugs*

I... I don't even know what to say.

I've needed mental help since I was a child. I never got it, and probably never will at this rate. It's not like my parents are cooperative with the idea. I mean, I'm fine with reasoning things out, usually figuring out a solution, but when it comes to learning from expierence I just can't do it. I'm sorry I borhtered you guys. I really am... I figured if I put it in the spam forum it'd go unnoticed, uncared for, and I could just get on with things.

And I'm rambling once again... sorry.

[Agent Regina]

*Big hugs to Illidian.*

Now what have I told you, haven't you listened to anything I have told you?

*Runs off to write a PM.*

[LadyWinterWolf]

(((((((((((((((Illidan)))))))))))))))


If you wanted to be unnoticed, you'd not have started this thread at all. But you know you have friends here who will listen to you, and everyone needs that now and then.

And I'm with Regina on this one....don't you listen to what we say?!!!

[Rune Walsh]

Because - my mind is programmed this way. That's the only viable reason I can come up with as to why I don't just get over things, or get on with my life, or anything. My mother was a manic depressant, and there was not a single motherly cell in her body. One minute she'd treat me like her partner, the next a blubbering child. Every night as she came home at 5 I'd run and hide in fear of her because every night she'd 'bring work home' and take it out on everything and everyone. It was always someone else's fault, we were always the victims. Me espically, I was the victim of her. SHe's the one who instilled this ignorance, temper, rage, and depression into me. She's the one who programmed my masochistic tendancy. And I was always scared of her, so I never got my true feelings out about her. She's the one who started this whole damned mess. ANd you see? Once again, I'm taking the defencive side and being the victim. I'm headed off to CHOP tomorrow for a bi-monthly check up. I'll fix things there. Get things in the works about getting me some help, or drugs, if necessary. (Although, I'm alreayd getting some painkillers <.< lol. Nono, I'm not an addict, they're just for nights when I can't sleep because of aches, I take them, and enjoy the ride.) Anyway, yeah, I'm working on it... I hope they can fix it, because every attempt I've made at it has failed.

[Agent Regina]

*Sobs*

Didn't you listen to anything I have told you? Your mother should not have acted in that way but there is no need to keep dwelling on such past mistakes that people have done in your life. Please stop thinking in such a way. You have a lot going for you and you shouldn't let the mistakes of others torment you!

Now, listen to me ok! I know I'm not good at making you feel better, but if you want to talk about anything I have already told you that it's ok to rant at me. I'm not going to judge or mock,...I'm not like that, and it's quite distressing for us here to see you this way! I'm sure LWW will agree with me!

[LadyWinterWolf]

AgentRegina

You have a lot going for you and you shouldn't let the mistakes of others torment you!

No matter how much you beat yourself up for what others have done, guess what? You can't change what happened in the past!!

But it will only ruin your present and future if you keep dwelling on it, day in, day out. Let go!! That's the problem I see with a lot of folks your age, even some in their 20's.....you just don't let go and move on.

And then you have the nerve to tell us older ones that you're smarter than us.....oh I don't think so.

[Rune Walsh]

u.u *sigh* Like I said, I'm off to get my problems fixed. I'm sorry I upset y'all so much, it's just... I can't seem to NOT dwell on my past. The docs should be able to tell me how to cope, how to move on, becaus eI sure don't know how. Don't worry about me so much though, I am working on fixing it.

[MrLemurBoy]

You're not alone in this man. I did something similar. Met a woman on a MUD I played on... devoted 8 months of my life to a relationship with her. Finally scrounged together $500 for a plane ticket from Ontario to California. Didn't even bother with a hotel room, I was gonna stay with her. Get off the plane, call her, and get hung up on by her ex-boyfriend. That was it. I'm at the airport with no ride, nowhere to stay, and a heart torn to peices. I was lucky though... I had some other friends down there who let me crash on their couch for a week until it was time to go home, and they managed to keep me sufficiently entertained that I could ignore the situation for a week. When I finally did get her on the phone, I asked "Why?". Her only answer? "Dunno". When I got back to work, I was a wreck. I cried (and I cry maybe once a year. I do not do emotions). I fumed. I found a punching bag to be excellent therapy. I prayed. I spilled my guts to my friends. And I ended all contact with her. That was it. It was over. Yes, it hurt like a biatch, but it would have hurt more to try and "fix" things. Yes, it sucks to be lonely, believe me, I know, but it sucks even more to be with someone who just doesn't care. Don't make a mistake and continue things because you're afraid of being alone. When you are alone, that is your best opportunity to actually get to know you. It may sounds odd, but it's true. Don't worry, you'll pull through.

[Rune Walsh]

*nods* I'm half happy to hear that I'm not alone, but then again on the other hand I hate to hear of people going through the same thing. Unfortunately, I don't have a punching bag or anything of the sort. See, there IS a gym at school I could go work out at and let some steam off, but I don't like working out in public. It's one of those things that just... doesn't go with me. I'll have to ask my Dad if he can get a bag I can punch or something. Anyway, he and I are off to schedule a therapist today. That and some night classes at a local community college for art and such. Should keep me occupied enough so hopefully one of these doesn't happen again.

Thanks for listening guys... I really do appreciate your ears.

[BASSsic]

Cry me a river.