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Post by Treva on Oct 21, 2003 15:21:00 GMT -5
Here is a bit of humor that my friend came up with… I find it really freaking funny.
"All the armies and races in Warhammer 40k can be summed up similar to that of a playground.
The Space Marines: The eight foot tall grade 6 bullies who found some shotgun's and some Steroids. They resent drugs in every way… But sometimes are pressured into doing them.
The Imperial Guard: The Grade one kids with pointy sticks… Usualy call on the help of their friends the Grade 6's when someone bugs them…
Sisters of battle: The creepy grade 5 Goth chicks who nobody really cares about although every one of them carries a hand gun.
The Tyranid: The freaky little kinder gardener's who run around biting people
The Eldar: The old bullies who are currently in grade 8 got addicted to drugs and went out of it for a while then went to karate for 3 weeks to become the bully again then got shot by the Grade 1's, 5,s and 6's. They now play in the sandbox.
The Dark Eldar: The grade 8's who never went to karate or got off drugs.
The Orks: The special needs grade 10 who gets beaten up by everyone when he comes along but always comes back for more.
The Tau: The 4 foot tall grade 4 who walked up to the Grade 1's and asked " Do you wanna be friends?" And the Grade ones called their friends over and they all shot the little kids leg off and booted him into the sand box were the kinder gardener's came along and started biting on his other leg before the Drug dealers finaly got him.
Chaos: The Grade 6 Drug dealers.
Necron: The Crazy Goth-nerd-jocks who came along and now have bully rivalries with the Grade 6's.
Daemonhunters: The Tattle tail's who work directly under the principal telling him whenever anyone does something wrong... No particular set grade.
The Emporer: The Crazy principal who came to school on a bad day with a hummer who tells all the obediant children what to do.
[edit]Fixed a quote-d problem[/edit]
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JSUN
Squire
Posts: 136
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Post by JSUN on Oct 29, 2003 6:24:23 GMT -5
Here's one pulled off the GW 40K Forum. Its hilarious!!!
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Begin Transmission
Repetition of General Directive 264-A-XCIV
To: Distribution, Sectorium Primus From: Office of The Grand Inquisitor, Ebineezar Grinchanius Re: Yearly Chaos Incursion
This purpose of this notice is to remind the forgetful of the annual visitation by the minion of Chaos known to the unworthy as Santa Claus.
+++ The Emperor's Light Banishes the Shadows of Heresy +++
As the diligent will recall, the incursion occurs regularly every 8742 to 8766 terran hours, roughly corresponding to a terran year. This trespass has occurred with disturbing regularity since at least the Horus Heresy, and perhaps longer, as many records were misplaced.
+++ Love and Obey the Emperor +++
The faithful will recognize the target on sight, as his garb and gear mark him immediately as an agent of the abominations.
Santa Claus is a corpulent, bloated creature approximating the human form. It wears a crimson tunic the color of fresh blood, marking him as a possible follower of Khorne. It is bearded, mocking the honorable squats, and its hair is a sallow shade of gray, betraying its unnatural age. Be advised that despite the creatures fearsome name, no claws have been observed, and the former is likely a ruse.
The target has been observed in the company of smaller creatures having the appearance of thin (less than 30 kg, approx.), stunted (1.5 meters) humanoids with pointed ears. Their appearance suggests the involvement of the decadent Eldar, and although that race denies involvement (*reference the Rudolphian Campaign [index 4111-BGE-MMXCII-Primus], specifically the Battle of Yukon Coneliaus IV [ibid., index 6]*), agents are advised to be prepared for their involvement, as the Eldar are known for their deceitful ways.
Santa Claus is conveyed by means of a grav-sled powered by unnatural livestock as detailed below.
The target's vehicle is a grav-sled. It has superfluous runners which are used only on landing and take-off. Despite the appearance, no frozen water is necessary for its operation (another ruse). The vehicle's resemblance to the foul Palanquin of Nurgle should not be discounted, even though the colors continue to be reminiscent of Khorne.
The device is powered by the unholy ministrations of eight or nine quadrupeds. Ordo Malleus scholars have identified these creatures as warped versions of an extinct species of terran mammal known as a Moose (reference 900002-ER-CIV). These beings single-mindedly pull the target's vehicle during its yearly invasion. They are outfitted with belled harnesses which are apparently imbued with the ability of flight. These beasts have been likened to the Fiends of Slaanesh, and such a comparison should not be dismissed too lightly, as the creatures shed a luminous substance as effluent as they move. Inquisitors should take care to avoid exposure.
Perhaps more disturbing is the variable number of the minion-creatures. On occasion, a ninth Moose has been observed, placed before the other Mooses. This creature radiates a sickly reddish glow from its snout, as a psychic beacon to other followers of the Vile Ones. This Chaotic device has allowed the target to navigate despite our best efforts to jam its navigation systems.
+++ Blessed is the Virtue of Blind Faith +++
Santa Claus gains entry to the domiciles of loyal Imperial Citizens (see below) and leaves small Chaos Rewards to tempt the faithful.
Inquisitors are reminded to confiscate and incinerate these items before any lasting damage is done. As a localized temporal distortion field is in effect around the target, these items are secreted in the habitations of the Imperium at exactly 2400 hours in every location defiled by the creature. It is therefore possible to gain entry to the citizens' cretches and remove the items (often cunningly hidden in footwear) before the citizens are aware of the heresy that has been committed upon them.
In other cases, removal of the items after the citizens have discovered them is possible. In such situations, small children are occasionally loath to surrender the items, as the tainting of the juveniles has already begun. Executions of the above are to be handled in the most expedient manner possible.
Often, juveniles that are well within the Emperor's Grace are given small blocks of graphite ore rather than the more tempting gifts visited upon the less faithful. The identity of these individuals are to be recorded, as future recruitment into the Inquisition or Adeptus Terra is possible. [Note: Inquisitors or other agents who do *not* receive the graphite stones should be watched carefully]
Santa Claus enters the domiciles be way of heating ducts and waste vents. The size of the opening is not a factor, as the creature can adjust its mass and displacement by means of psychic manipulation. Mining these openings with frag, krak and other demolitions has proven unsuccessful.
The creature egresses by the same means, after ritually caressing his nostrils. No mucus has ever been recovered.
+++ The Death of Emperor's Enemies is the Only Gift We Can Give +++
Although all previous attempts at the destruction of Santa Claus have failed, Inquisitors are urged to make such an attempt whenever possible.
However, of more importance is the suppression of cultist activity associated with the yearly incursion. The Tainted have been known to erect shrines in their homes in the form of shrubbery adorned with baubles and lights [Note: the shrubbery is often highly inflammable, and offers a discrete method of executing the offending heretics without calling undue attention to the operation]. Other warning signs include: hallucinations involving sugared candies during slumber; excessive singing; references to 'A magical time of year' (note the influence of Tzeentch); the construction of effigies made of snow; and the performance of Slaanishi rituals while underneath plant clippings of the genus _phoradendron flavescens_.
Once again, executions should be handled in an expedient manner.
End Transmission
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Rayst
Peasant
If I knew then what I know now, would I really have changed anything?
Posts: 41
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Post by Rayst on Oct 30, 2003 16:37:33 GMT -5
Oh MY God!!! All this time I've been told if I'm a good boy, Santa will leave me a gift! I've never gotten... a graphite...... stone........... *looks over shoulder* Oh no. "CITIZEN, YOU ARE UNDER ARREST. COME WITH US QUIETLY!"
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Post by Shura on Jan 2, 2004 16:15:06 GMT -5
hehe that santa claus thing rocks! He has connections to every one of the ruinous powers.
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